스포일러 Spoiler;
Epik High
I somehow feel relieved.
It's the 1st January, year 2016. I'm a 19 year old woman who hasn't figured things out yet but at least is certain about this tiny bit of herself. Sexuality right? A strong word that has a lot of meaning, lots of pre-conceived assumptions and a great load of taboo.
But I've figured it out! Kinda.
恋しくて Koishikute;
Seungyoon + Taehyun
In all honesty, I haven't really had much experiences. But that doesn't mean I don't know what I like. Because I do know. And what's more important is that I'm certain I don't care about gender, or physical features. I don't really have a "type". If I like you, I like you, and that's pretty much it. It sounds so simple now that I'm writing about it, but let me tell you: it wasn't this simple in my brain a few years ago. I had the biggest battles with myself over this matter and it was painful because I didn't know who I was, or if I was wrong, if the things I felt were a mistake or something that should have been looked down upon.
I still remember (as if I could ever forget about this) that night with her. And —I'm shaking my head in embarrassment while writing this— him. It happened around the first half of August. I was so confused about my feelings towards her. I was starting to accept the fact that I didn't only wanted her as a friend, but as something more. Even though she had a boyfriend at the time I didn't really care because I thought that if I showed her how I felt she would accept me and we would just kiss and be happy together, after all she had talked about her countless encounters with other girls, her "exes", her girl "exes", so I was pretty sure that if I had the courage to confess about my feelings everything would go wonderfully.
We're All Leaving;
Arcade Fire
But hey! That didn't happen. And now that I'm writing it down I still sense some bittersweetness in my heart, after all these years. The thing is... that I never got the guts to tell her. Not even now which is kind of a shame. I hid my feelings in friendly manners and support, because at that time she needed me —or at least I felt that way— so I couldn't ruin everything by making it awkward between us. I kept myself on her side and tried to make myself believe that it was enough. Until that day, when we had planned to go this movie festival —just the two of us! Imagine my delusion. So, movie festival, cold weather, night and they didn't let us in. Now I don't remember why exactly but I know that if I had called my parents that day as my instinct told me to, none of what followed that night would had happened. I decided to ignore my conscience and let her do as she pleased —I was head over heels for her since we started being friends. We went to a mall, we didn't had money so we just hung there for about an hour talking about music, school courses, mutual friends and other subjects I can't care to remember now. And then he called her, and she invited him over. He was nerby and she basically begged him to meet us. Then she said she was sorry about that but I could tell she didn't mean it, I mean, he was her boyfriend and she wanted to see him and be with him, I don't blame her. But at that time, that enfuriated me. I was obviously jealous and I see it now, but I did not see it then. I didn't understand why I was so mad at them. They kissed and hugged and they had their little inside jokes and I should have been happy for her, but I wasn't. It drove me crazy. They were together and I was there, thirdwheeling, not knowing what to do or say. They sat on a bench and I walked away while they kissed. I knelt down on the floor, put on my earbuds and played The Smiths. Now I know that, if you're feeling low, the last thing you should do is listen to them because you'll basically turn suicidal (lol). Now I know! But not back then so I plunged into my own sadness and self-pity.
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